August 18, 2014
All I can say is please pray for me and my family. I feel like it is all crashing down around me. I have had a life of hardship and have not lost my faith but I am exhausted. I can't keep up physically or mentally or financially. I am working two jobs and have seen so many miracles but satan keeps fighting me and my family and I am so tired of the struggle. I have in the trouble always had God's peace but that now feels removed and his presence distant.
August 14, 2014
I am blessed with an amazing husband, (PRAISE GOD) I was not blessed with a great childhood. I forgive my parents because they were very young when they had us, and they were broken. They were abusive (physically and mentally, by my mother at times.) and my dad was a mute. Didn't do anything but drink. He was sent to prision for two years, and that is when our life changed because we had to move. I was a teenager. About 15. ( my twin sister and my little brother) This was BEFORE i was saved, but I would always talk to GOD and explain to him HOW SAD I was that my family didn't care about me and I wanted to do something great. I just wanted to be blessed double for all the sadness I was going through. ( this brings tears to my eyes as I write this) I believed in GOD because of my Grandma taking us to CCD and church when we were little till we were about 8th grade. I feel into the passion for MAKEUP and beauty products. I felt alone and left out in school, not a good student but I was always OBSESSED with beauty world and hair and makeup. When I was 19 my twin sis and I went to beauty school but we each went for different things. She went for Hair and I went for Skin therapy and makeup artistry. ( we were both saved around this time, so we knew it WAS IN OUR calling to do this.) We didn't heal from our past so our life style took over and our calling from the Lord wasn;t as important as PARTYING and just being gorgeous girls adored girls. We fell. We both started abusing pills, and my sister went down a VERY DARK path and finally she is better and getting help. I have gotten counseling and treatment for my problem with pills but it is still a battle, and have been in trouble for drinking and GOD has blessed us both with grace. MY sister died of a heroin overdose but was REVIVED. GOD gave her a SECOND CHANCE. And I am thankful for that. The past few months, I have been messing with pills again on and off. I am doing a job I like MOSTLY because of helping clients with makeup and what not, and doing makeup for them, but I just feel bored and so tired from work. I just want to get away from these addictions from my past so I can do what GOD wants me to do. It might not be makeup anymore. I love it, but the job I have it is great and I am thankful but I barely go to church anymore, I do not get to see my husband as much as I want, yes I come home to him everynight, but we do not get to share days off together and its always such a dread to see the work week because I am over-promised and underdelivered. I understand that people want weekends off, but I just miss my hubby and I love him so much. And I miss being connected to a church and having sundays off. I explained that to my work, but they seem to not understand and respect my beliefs. It was the first thing I requested when I first started, and I know as a full timer you have to have flexible work hours but its been every single sunday for months and it really is tiring because, I am missing the church life and the small groups. THOSE are important to me, and I need SO MUCH PRAYER because I am feeling like a dark soul mate to my husband because my personality is negative at times because I am so sick of disappointment. I truly am a faithful servant to GOD, but I really am sick of it. I work 7 days straight IN ORDER TO SPEND A WEEKEND OFF WITH MY HUBBY. Come on? really, I think that is bogus. It is like you go through punishment to get to enjoy time with your family. I am just tired of it and I do not know how to communicate anymore without looking like the bad guy. Please pray for me, I am taking pills to numb my feelings and energize myself at work. That is the real root of the problem. I am so tired my feet and legs hurt to go to the gym, and I just do not know what to do. Please pray for me. In Jesus's name I pray amen. xo