December 08, 2013
I feel like I have lost all hope. I feel as if I am nothing. I was at a Christmas Brunch yesterday at church and and was told I am a gift from God. I wanted to believe it. I feel in my heart I am a good person and I love God. I want to do right by him. 2 husbands and many close friends have walked away from a relationship with me over the years without giving me any reason. I don't understand. I feel so alone. I feel so hopeless. I feel worthless. I pray daily that I will die. I pray for God to take me instead of someone who is wanted and needed in this world. I am hurting so terribly. I want it to end. It hurts me to think these thoughts are hurting God. I have not talked with anyone about these feelings. I just smile and pretend to be happy. It is now so tiring to keep up this charade. I need the pain to go away. I find myself unable to trust others. I am trying to trust God and cling to him.
November 27, 2013
I will be spending a total of about 6 hours with my dtr over Thanksgiving and Christmas combined. It is so hard to be alone when everyone else is celebrating with family. Life doesn't seem fair sometimes and maybe I am feeling a little sorry for myself but since my son was killed life as I knew it died. Then a few years later I got divorced and have pretty much been alone since then. I feel like I will always be alone. I know God never leaves my side but I could really use a hug from someome here. I don't feel like I am important....at least to anyone here in this world. I think I am a good person... I try to be! .I treat others better than I treat myself even. I "do" all of things that I think God wants me to do...I am a very loving sensitive person. I care so much about others safety and happiness. Do I even deserve to be loved? I am not sure of anything right now. I am beginning to think that there are people who are meant to be alone and not fullfilled. I think I am one of them. My emotional life is so hard. I just go through the motions every day. same old same old. I want to believe that there is more to life than what I am living right now but am losing faith that I even belong here. My faith is strong but I see myself slipping away from God. I don't pick up my bible anymore, I don't pray like I used to. Everyone tells me to volunteer on Christmas but that won't take everything else away from my heart. I will still be alone in my heart. I don't mean to be a debbie downer, I am just in a very hard place right now. I don't even know what I need prayers for but if you would like to pray for me I would much appreciate it. I wish all of you a very happy thanksgiving and a glorious Christmas. Thank you